Inspired

A new light
A new hope
I’m inspired by a gleam of desire
Something I need but never realised
Come on dear will
We could do this together
Imagine how life would be so much better
This could be that thing we thought we were meant for
People will find my hidden talent for
But is this a talent or a choice?
Could anyone do this or am I making it so appear?
Fancy words sewn together in a rhythm
No form no shape just a sense of elation
A choice it may be but it wasn’t an easy one
It’s something that I might have thought of but never paid any attention
Are we not all sailing on the same boat?
Waiting for that inspiring moment where it might make sense again?
It used to make sense when I was a kid
Dreams, fantasies, talents, all of them had a possibility
Now I question all my choices with probabilities
Perhaps this is the moment that I’ve come the full circle
I only hope I can hold on to it before it flies by again.

Bedtime musings

Lying awake in the dark
Waiting for this feeling to pass
Waiting to hear that its okay to sleep now
Relax my love, the day has passed now
Maybe there is another thing I can do
Another way I could use all this time in my bed too
No my love,  enough thinking for today
Its time to sleep, put an end to this day
But what about that incomplete task I left
That one that would’ve finished if I hadn’t slept
Everyday seems like a battle when I’m faced with life
Only relief is this moment in bed at night
Tomorrow will be one more I day when I don’t want to wake up
Don’t want to face the day let this night be my bliss
The whole day is yours, no one else has no right
To tell you to complete those tasks or let them stay
Darkness is just a momentary relief it is not here to be
Tomorrow is another chance at life it is another way to find that bliss

Depression…it can eat you up :(

I have always been sympathetic towards depression and the effects it has on a person’s life. When I was young I used to watch talk shows where people would discuss their condition of depression and how it has changed their lives. It was at that time that I made a decision to study psychology later in my life and help people suffering from this common but ignored condition. Although I haven’t reached this goal just yet but perhaps some time in the future I would go in that direction in my research. Depression is something that almost everyone of us has experienced in our lives to either a small or a large extent. It is something that is so similar to sadness that people mistake it as a temporary and harmless thing and something that can be fixed by telling a joke or buying you ice cream. It is such a serious condition and may be a symptom of something bigger and much stronger psychological condition. Although I knew all of these things theoretically, when I myself fell into the deep, dark, bottomless pit of depression, I ignored all of my knowledge about the subject and refused to accept or even acknowledge it in me. Unfortunately I was at a stage in life when I had no support of friends, family or loved ones and I was stuck in an obscure small town of a foreign country thousands of miles away from home. I had no friends, no one to talk to, no one to have food with, no one to go shopping with and no one to listen to me. My work comprised of research on one topic and constant, endless reading about the same topic every day on my own without any companions, classmates or fellow students. to add to my misery, I was short on cash, constantly worried about money. And if things could be any worse, my relationship with my boyfriend was not going anywhere because our families could not agree on a date for the wedding (and this is something I had been looking forward to for almost a year now). While I struggled through everyday, life was monotonous and I was constantly stressed about one thing or the other. Soon, I stopped going to my office to work and decided to work from home. I would wake up in the afternoon everyday, constantly procrastinate my work, could not concentrate on anything and always had something depressing on my mind. As this routine continued, I found out the date of the wedding was postponed for two year.  This was the only good thing that I had been looking forward to in my life at this stage and it seemed so far away now. It seemed as if every good thing was running away from me, almost as if I didn’t deserve it. Every day when I woke up, I thought about all those problems I had and would tell myself I deserved it because of the kind of person I am, because I wake up late, because I do not do my work, because I am constantly sad. I became apologetic about everything that was wrong and blamed myself as the reason for everything going wrong. It was as if my whole existence was an apology to the world because every bad thing was because of me. Even as I write this I can feel a lump in my throat because I remember just how difficult this time was. I cried everyday and then felt sorry about it because I shouldn’t have been crying about my insignificant life. At this stage I had completely lost touch with my work and had developed a topsy-turvy sleeping pattern (for which I felt guilty again). I started having thought about how useless and unwanted I am and how this world would be better off without me. A person told me that cigarettes can help you to de-stress and taking his advice, I started smoking. I was drinking almost everyday because it helped me feel lighter. I had two people in the town who I could call friends just because I had met them and talked to them a couple of times before. I started hanging out with them and I put my best face forward, cracked jokes and tried to forget about the depression. I would go out with them, have a smoke, get some drinks in the pub and come back home. At home, I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling guilty and useless again. I started suspecting I might have depression but didn’t really believe it. I started searching on the internet about which pills I could take that would make me die. It really did seem like I would just be better off leaving this world causing less pain to myself and everyone around me. What was interesting was when I talked to my boyfriend about it and another close friend about how I have been feeling, I was told to get on with it. Both of them said I was overreacting and that there is no need for me to feel this way. I should have a stronger mind. Both of them said that if they were in my situation they would be getting on just fine because what did I have to complain about- I had a couple of dudes to hang out with, I was doing my PhD like I wanted to, I can always ask my parents for money if I wanted and being a research student, I have all the time in the world to do what I want. This made me feel like it was me who was the problem in this whole situation. It is me who is not hard enough to face the situation, that I am a coward and that I should not be complaining. It made me feel that I am whiny person and I decided not to talk about this again. It was only when I saw some serious physical changes in me due to depression that I decided I needed to get myself diagnosed. I was just so stressed and depressed that I missed my period and didn’t notice it for quite some time. When I did, I searched for reasons why this may have happened and  realised it is because of depression. This was the wake up call that led me thinking that depression can’t ruin my body like this. I have to accept my condition and I must seek help. I searched for various self diagnosing depression tests and scored a medium-high level of depression on almost all of them. After debating for about a week about whether I should seek professional help or not, I decided to give a call to my school counsellor and fix an appointment. It took a week to get the appointment fixed and I remember thinking quite a few times of cancelling it just because I wasn’t ready. I thought it might just be me and I might be exaggerating my symptoms. Surely my life is not important enough to be discussed with a counsellor and surely it is me who is responsible for causing this to myself. I did not want to hear another advice about getting on with it. When I met my counsellor who was a trained psychologist, she gave me a test. When she analysed the results of the test, she looked worried and told me I am on the brink of clinical depression. She started talking to me, asking me things about my life and I told her everything about missing my friends and about my course and my low feelings in the past few months. I somehow kept the wedding date stress to myself because I still thought it was stupid for me to tell her that. From whatever information she got out of me, she was very very sympathetic and was the first one to acknowledge that it is okay for me to be sad. She told me it was okay to cry and that it is only obvious that I should feel this way in my situation. I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when I talked to her. Just to have someone to listen to you sympathetically made such a big difference. It is very rarely that I have ever cried in front of people other than my family and close friends but I could not help but tear up while talking to her. It wasn’t when I was telling her about my problems but it was when she told me that I as so strong to be holding up such as I am. That was all I needed. That someone believes me. That someone acknowledges that I am trying. I am not being a coward and I am in fact trying quite hard to cope up with this. I had two more sessions with my counsellor and by this time, my boyfriend found a job in Dublin and we both decided to move in together. That was the only way I could survive a PhD in a country away from home. My counsellor was ecstatic on hearing this news because both of us had been discussing what would be the best option for me to get better and I had almost decided to give up on my PhD. Today, I am a happily married, non-smoking woman living in Dublin with my partner for 11 months now and cannot imagine myself in a better place. My partner and I decided to have a civil wedding as soon as possible and the parents have decided the date for the traditional wedding in December 2015. Depression was a very rough journey for me and I have realised that the first step to cure depression is to coming in terms with it. It is only when you recognise that you have a problem can you cure a problem. The support of family and friends is a must because they are the ones who are going to help you through it. But at the same time, don’t let anyone tell you to get on with it. No one knows you better than yourself and you, more than anyone else, would know how strong you are when handling your stress and problems. Depression is a vicious, vicious darkness that engulfs you within it and eats you up from the inside but the important thing is that you identify a light within you in this darkness and use this light to find yourself out of the darkness. Remember, you are always stronger than you think you are. This was an important story for me to share and discuss just to acknowledge that this happened in my life and I got through it. I would love to know your thoughts and your depression stories, if any so please do share in comments. Thanks!